“I knew for a fact that the minute I came out my life would change”
BY NAZ SAKICI, IMAGE BY @FORMATORIGINALPHOTOS/CANVA
As a young woman in her twenties who is trying to figure things out and take one day at a time, I’ve learnt to listen to my gut. One thing it kept telling me – actually yelling at me – was “You are a lesbian”… which of course I ignored till I could not take it anymore. The question: why did I ignore my feelings for so long?
Here is the short answer: I was afraid to feel lonely.
I knew for a fact that the minute I came out my life would change in a way that I would no longer fit into a standard that appeals to the majority of society, and I was right. It is a very isolating experience when your life decentres one of the most dominant aspects of human life: men.
It is a clear fact that almost every queer person feels a sense of isolation and loneliness at one point in their lives as they are getting to terms with their identities, and they are all valid on their own terms. However, there is a certain uniqueness to lesbian loneliness since we are the ones who go against the ideal by decentring men in a society where everything revolves around them, plus being compared to men at the same time with our attraction towards women.
Perhaps my isolation started even before I knew I was a lesbian, when my friends started to get boyfriends and I was the only one who did not understand what the big deal was as I was slowly falling in love with one of my closest friends while she was telling me about the guy she had a crush on in her class. The loneliness started when it was the middle of the night and I had no one to talk to, so I would just go to sleep with tears in my eyes and anxious thoughts.
The moment I remember this type of loneliness hitting me was in high school. I didn’t even identify as a lesbian back then, but I could feel the loneliness that was consuming me. I was taking dance classes at the time, and I would catch myself admiring the other girls in class. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt a little perverted even though I was not thinking anything of such nature. It felt like I was the only person in my life who felt this way. Thoughts filled my head: was I looking at her the wrong way? Does she think I’m weird? Did I stare too long?
It wasn’t until my twenties that I got comfortable with my identity. I denied it for so long just so I would not have to face isolation. I tried to be someone that I was not just so I could fit in with my peers, but you can only lie to yourself for too long. I was right, it is a very lonely and isolating experience, especially if you do not have older lesbian figures who can guide you. It felt like everyone was talking about men and I was the only person who was alienated from the conversation. “When you meet your future husband…”, “So, no boyfriend yet?”, “Keep on acting like that and you could never find a husband”. Not to mention the feeling like I was the only person that I knew of who got to experience those things.
Yes, I do still get those feelings, but I also know that there are millions of people out there who felt the same way I did, and I will not stop connecting with them.
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