From bar hopping to zine making, what’s the best way to find your people?
BY LARA IQBAL GILLING, IMAGE BY GETTY IMAGES
I’m introverted at the best of times, and often come away from social occasions with a list of embarrassing moments to overthink for a few days.
But, growing up and moving out means that friends are no longer down the road or spending long afternoons in your living room three times a week. They live in other cities – often other countries – and even I can’t spend Friday nights alone.
It’s hard to make friends as an adult. There are no seating plans and co-workers don’t always translate into confidantes. People don’t just land in your lap like they did at school and university – you have to put effort into seeking them out and building bonds. Ugh.
So, I tried three ways to make queer friends.
Nightlife
The obvious way to make friends is with a little help from alcohol. It’s a conversation starter and confidence-booster – what could go wrong?
On Saturday night, I took a trip to La Camionera, a FLINTA+ (female, lesbian, intersex, non-binary, trans and agender) bar in Hackney.
The interior is compact but atmospheric. Ornate lampshades cast an orange light, hanging from the terracotta-coloured ceiling. It is pretty cramped – tables are touching and there isn’t enough bar space for the cluster of silver stools that the waitstaff squeeze past. There’s only one toilet, and the queue extends halfway into the main room.
People lean over the tables, on dates and in groups of friends.
My friend and I were lucky enough to nab a table on the terrace. Climbing plants snake up the walls and there’s a bit more breathing space. The main obstacle to making friends at La Cam, as it is affectionately known, is the noise. Although there’s no music playing, you have to shout to be heard. Voices crowd the small space, bouncing off the walls.
There’s not enough space to stand and smoke outside, which is a shame because everyone knows the best way to make friends is in the smoking area. Most people were absorbed in their own conversations, but I did get chatting to someone in the line for the loo. Unfortunately, it was flirty rather than friendly, which was not what I was looking for.
I left with a headache and no new friends.
Creative classes
For people who don’t drink, or (wisely) want friendships based on something other than booze, attending a class based on one of your interests might be a better choice.
As an avid scrapbooker, I booked a queer zine-making class in Bethnal Green. We were given the chance to chat to the people sitting either side of us, using prompts from the organisers.
This devolved into a group discussion which lasted for the first hour of the session. Chatting away was easy given that the subject matter was our queer experiences and inspirations – something we could all speak to.
Once we were given the greenlight to start making zines, we all became engrossed in our projects. Conversation quickly ground to a halt, but picked up again after few minutes as people commented on each other’s creations. Because everyone was occupied, there were no unnatural pauses or awkward moments – a relaxing way to socialise. And that’s not how I’d normally describe meeting new people!
The mood was friendly and supportive, but if, like me, you’re likely to get too in the zone to talk, maybe choose a less hands-on class. I didn’t click with anyone this time, but I would definitely go again.
Protests and marches
What do you look for in a friend? Is it honesty, a shared sense of humour, or comparable upbringings? For me, it’s similar politics.
Protests and marches usually foster a sense of unity and community, which can be a great opportunity to strike up friendships. Your core values obviously align, so why not try to take that connection further?
I went to the London Dyke March with a group of friends and got chatting to a boy doing facepainting. He asked for my Instagram and we met for a coffee a week later.
Over pains au chocolat we launched straight into talking about terrorism, the Olympics and what personal data the government should have access to. You know, average small talk. Moments of awkwardness were few and far between, which tends to be my experience with like-minded people.
Finally! I have made a friend.
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