In the face of outdated marriage laws and wedding traditions, handfasting is an inclusive alternative that creates queer joy anyway
BY VEE WILSON, IMAGE BY GETTY
“Love is love,” they say. But for many trans and non-binary people in the UK, the law still says otherwise. Despite some social progress, the legal framework of marriage in England and Wales continues to exclude trans and non-binary people. While the government may only see male or female, that doesn’t mean your ceremony has to follow their script.
Even though it seems like we’re moving forward with LGBTQIA+ rights, the legal foundations of marriage remain stubbornly gendered and exclusive. Firstly, to marry as a trans man or trans woman, you need a Gender Recognition Certificate. Many have said this is a lengthy and difficult process with a long list of requirements, such as proof of gender dysphoria from a doctor’s note, proof of living as your acquired gender, multiple official documents, a second doctor’s note, and not to mention, the costs. And of course, non-binary is still not legally recognised as a gender identity. This means that since legal wedding ceremonies must use gendered language like “wife” or “husband”, based on what is stated on your legal documents and not your identity. People who identify as non-binary can’t legally marry as their authentic selves at all.
Of course, these outdated legal restrictions urgently need reform, but in the meantime, it’s important to find joy wherever possible. The situation is frustrating, but the binary legal script doesn’t have to define your day. Designing a meaningful, unique, and affirming ceremony is one way that you can take some control.
There are many ways that you can make your ceremony affirming, from unique dresswear that suits your style and gender expression, to gender-affirming underwear, jewellery, makeup, or even LGBTQIA+ themed decorations. One option that I am especially in love with is handfasting, a symbolic ritual with Celtic roots, where a couple’s hands are tied with ribbons or cords to represent their union. Once used as a form of engagement, it’s now a meaningful addition to modern ceremonies, symbolising love, connection, and commitment.
Handfasting can be especially powerful for trans and non-binary couples because it can be entirely customised to reflect who you are. This makes it a great choice in place of traditional, heteronormative wedding rituals. Handfasting is a great way to have other family members and friends involved in the ceremony too, either by adding a cord to represent your loved ones or inviting them to be actively involved by weaving the ribbons instead of an officiant. This includes them without the focus on strict gender roles that come with traditions like “giving away” the bride or the bouquet toss.
Tailoring the handfasting experience can also include choosing the colours of the cords, using materials that are symbolic to you or your partner, and personalising the vows spoken as the cords are wrapped. Some companies even offer LGBTQIA+ themed handfasting cords, such as the beautiful ones created by Coetha.
The situation is far from ideal, and many trans and non-binary people will feel uncomfortable being married under the binary terms required by law. But handfasting is just one example of an option that some might like to consider. For example, you could choose to do the legal paperwork at a registry office privately, and then treat the ceremony as your real wedding, which avoids any misgendering in front of family and close friends.
There’s no denying the frustration that comes with being excluded by the law, but there’s also something radical and beautiful about creating joy anyway. Whether through inclusive rituals like handfasting, rejecting gendered roles, or simply wearing what feels right, your ceremony can reflect who you truly are. Until the law catches up, these moments of queer love and resistance matter. We will continue to tell our own stories, on our own terms.
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