If you’ve fallen for someone considerably older or younger than yourself, here are some things to keep in mind
BY SOFIE ROOS, IMAGE BY HUTCHINSPHOTO, DREAMSTIME (L: TIG NOTARO AND R: STEPHANIE ALLYNNE)
Have you happened to catch feelings for, or even, fallen in love with a woman or non-binary person who’s much older or considerably younger than yourself? While love is love, age-gap relationships can come with some challenges. But good news, I’m sharing my best tips for sapphics in an age-gap relationship.
I’m Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author for the Swedish relationship magazine Passionerad. I’m also bisexual myself. In this piece, I will guide you on how to overcome the common age-gap challenges that can arise between you and your girl!
When she puts on tea and you’re getting dressed for the club
What if she’s been there, done that… and you’re just getting started, or vice versa?
The probability that you’re in different phases of life is great if the age difference is major. One of you might have just finished studies and wants to travel the world, while the other is focused on their career, or one might be longing to build a family, while the other one is past that.
There’s no denying that this is a huge challenge, and you need to talk about life goals and what you want for the future. Be open to compromise and give each other freedom, as well as set shared goals, so you don’t forget about all the things you actually are sharing together.
Pro tip: Talking about this might be the last thing you want, because it can feel like a threat to the relationship, but the sooner you bring it up, the better you can tackle eventual challenges!
The world might not be ready for your love
The western society is generally really skeptical towards age-gap relationships, and many have plenty of prejudices, especially when it comes to queer women of different generations who’re in love!
You should therefore mentally prepare that others will love to have made up thoughts about your relationships, so talk with each other on how to tackle rude comments or looks and how to protect your privacy as well as how to support each other if something feels tough.
How do you communicate?
It’s no secret that different generations communicate in different ways, so it’s therefore important to be even more direct and clear in your communication, especially when talking about sensitive things.
Do this by asking more questions, even if you think you understand, such as “What do you mean? Can you elaborate?”. This will save you lots of misunderstanding!
With time, you’ll learn about each other’s eventual differences in age-related slang and lingo, but it’s still great to keep making sure you get what they mean.
What about intimacy?
One might have grown up with hard porn, and the other one barely knows what choking sex is.
For most, the sex falls in place naturally, and might even be what got you together. But for some, the differences in how you view intimacy and enjoy having sex can be quite dramatic, especially if having a significant age gap between you. So, talk about what great intimacy and sex is to you, what you’re curious about, and how you’d like to explore your sex life together!
The age difference can lead to some problems when it comes to the power dynamic
That this (eventual) problem is tough to talk about doesn’t make it less important to bring up!
When one is much older, that can easily lead to an imbalance, both due to different economic opportunities, but also life experience – such as a difference in levels of experience from relationships, or in terms of one’s social network and reference frames.
While this doesn’t have to be a problem per se, it leads to a higher risk of one of you getting the most power in the relationship.
You should therefore take a look at the relationship to make sure that both of you have an equal say, because one having many more years to build up their life shouldn’t be a reason to not be equal as romantic partners.
Avoid the “mother / daughter” dynamic
Among queer women in age gap relationships, it’s common to make the mistake of getting into the “mother and daughter” dynamic without thinking about it.
This means that the older one of you is more caring and is taking responsibility in a “parenting” way, and while this can feel safe and play out naturally, it doesn’t lead to an equal relationship in the long term, and many times, it can almost feel like a parody of your situation.
If wanting to build a strong and equal relationship together, then instead focus on being vulnerable in front of each other, and to take care of one another, as well as sharing the responsibility.
Respect your different backgrounds
The norms and ideas from the time we grew up tend to colour us for the rest of our lives in one way or another. So you must respect that you might not share the same view on the big questions in life.
Instead of being judgmental when finding that you have a whole different view on something, be curious and ask questions so you get each other’s perspective. That will make you understand one another better!
Last thoughts…
In a sapphic relationship where one is much older than the other, it often takes a longer time to fully understand each other.
But no matter if you’re the seasoned lover or the younger half of the couple – tackle the problems together, be open with how you’re feeling, your needs and what you’re looking for in a relationship, and don’t give a F about what others might think about your relationship – because as said in the beginning: love knows no age, and if it feels right, it is right. You don’t have to explain your love to anyone!
Interested in reading more about age-gap relationships? Pick up a copy of our June/July issue to read a powerful first-person essay on the matter.
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