DIVA spoke to Hinge’s Love and Connection expert Moe Ari Brown to learn more about the obstacles LGBTQIA daters with ADHD face
BY ELLA GAUCI, IMAGES BY HINGE
Hinge’s new Love And ADHD report has revealed that 75% of Hinge daters with ADHD feel misunderstood by their matches. 3-4% of adults in the UK have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder – known as ADHD. However, there is a fundamental lack of support for adults with ADHD in the dating scene.
In their groundbreaking new report, Hinge found that nearly half of all daters with ADHD struggle to remember to reply with their matches, and 64% of LGBTQIA daters with ADHD feel worried about saying the wrong thing.
DIVA spoke to Hinge’s Love and Connection expert, Moe Ari Brown (they/he) to find out more about the findings of this report, and how daters with ADHD can find confidence in the dating scene.
Three out of four Hinge daters with ADHD felt misunderstood by their matches. What is the impact on LGBTQIA daters with ADHD who feel this way?
People with ADHD often experience heightened sensitivity to social interactions, which can lead to worries about saying the wrong thing. When dating, this anxiety can be especially pronounced. For instance, 43% of Hinge daters with ADHD forget to respond to messages, yet 71% of daters expect a response within 24 hours. As a result, almost a third (32%) of daters with ADHD feel misunderstood when matches assume they’re not interested due to slow responses.
This can lead to what Hinge calls “Misunderstood Matches”: people whose intentions are often misconstrued by potential dates. ADHD daters who feel rejected or misunderstood can cause an especially unpleasant feeling known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD.
When a person with RSD experiences rejection, or perceived rejection, their brain struggles to regulate the emotional experience, leading them to feel hurt and often isolated in the experience. They may feel overwhelmed, embarrassed, or self-conscious. RSD can impact self-esteem and make it harder to remain open to new experiences where rejection might be a possibility, such as dating.
It’s important to note that for LGBTQIA daters experiencing ADHD symptoms, our experiences are even more layered by external dynamics that sometimes add to the rejection we experience. Some of those external dynamics include, but are not limited to, lack of family support, limited community, anti-LGBTQIA laws, negative representations of LGBTQIA people in media, and more.
64% of LGBTQIA daters with ADHD feel worried about saying the wrong thing. What are some of the common causes of this?
Generally, when we are worried about saying the wrong thing, we care about how our message will be received. It’s usually a positive sign that we care about our impact. The challenge for LGBTQIA daters experiencing ADHD symptoms is that our care for how we are perceived can quickly combine with fears around rejection and prevent us from putting ourselves out there. For anyone with multiple, often misunderstood, and marginalised identities, some nuances exist to consider.
There are unique social and political challenges for LGBTQIA daters. ADHD can add another layer of nuance as it can challenge time management, emotional regulation, and social interactions. Often, there are stigmas associated with being either LGBTQIA or having ADHD, but for people who are at the intersection of those identities, even messaging a match can cause anxiety.
How can daters with ADHD overcome some of these challenges?
Celebrate yourself. Without embracing all that makes you unique, you won’t be able to identify your needs, understand your potential strengths, and communicate what would best support you. For example, when you do a hard thing like messaging each of your matches, take a moment to acknowledge that you did it.
Honour your strengths. Every person has strengths that help them overcome dating challenges. Maybe your ADHD means that you can hyperfocus on your date talking at length without ever picking up your phone. Instead of seeing your neurodiversity as a challenge, talk to yourself positively.
Find ways to communicate that work well for you. Too many messages in your inbox may overwhelm you, but it’s okay to prioritise fewer matches at a time so you can set a pace for dating that works for you. If you can’t keep up with messages but want to keep getting to know the person, ask if they’d be comfortable scheduling a time to chat on the phone.
What advice would you give to LGBQTIA daters without ADHD who want to support and understand queer daters with ADHD?
Be Patient: Recognise that people with ADHD may take longer to respond to messages or make decisions. Understand that this isn’t a reflection of their interest.
Encourage Open Communication: Create a safe space for discussing how ADHD affects their dating experience. Encourage them to share their needs and preferences.
Find a common interest: When sending likes, make the effort to find something you’re both excited to chat about. By forming a connection around common interests, you can skip the small talk and establish a meaningful bond.
Embrace the differences of others: Remember that a percentage of people you’re speaking to might be neurodivergent in some way, and small talk can be difficult for many people for different reasons.
Respect Boundaries: Understand that some days may be more challenging than others for your partner. Respect their boundaries and give them space when needed.
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