DIVA has an exclusive excerpt of jane fae’s new book made by TransActual
The following excerpt comes from jane fae’s new book Transitions: The Unheard Stories, made by TransActual to tell the real-life stories of trans people in the UK. This except follows the story of Rhiannon, who is now 53, and her story of coming out. She first had an “inkling” that she was trans on the playground at school. Later in life, she came out to the friends she lived with after seeing Jackie McAuliffe on the TV show Paddington Green. Working in the electronic repair industry at the time, she felt like she was living a split life. This is her story.
Around New Year’s Eve, towards the end of the 90’s, there was a big party in the house. The boyfriend of one of my friends followed me into the bathroom and beat me up. The next day I left the house and never went back.
I was in my 30s and living with my parents again! Within a couple of months, I’d got rid of pretty much everything to do with who I was. Back in the closet. “Detransitioned” – but not because I wasn’t trans. I did not come out again, properly, for 12 years. I just felt there was no place for me in that world. A week or two after the party, I started cutting. I even tried to take my life.
A bit later, I moved out and started to dip my toe in the water again. But it was furtive stuff. Just occasionally dressing at night as a way of proving I was still there. In 2002, I met someone who was positive. At least, when I told her about me, she said, “OK. I can live with that for a bit and see how it goes.” At least, she was fine with me expressing myself as femme in the house.
But she said she was afraid that if I went out as me, we might get a brick through the window. I started to come out to more people again.
Their relationship lasted 12 years but broke down when Rhiannon’s medical transition was about to start in 2014. Rhiannon had to move and found herself sofa surfing when she started her medical transition.
I wish I could say good things about the NHS. Mostly, though, they were awful. I tried to transition in the 90’s but got nowhere. I was referred to a psychosocial counsellor, who diagnosed “anxiety and depression”.
In 2012, I spoke to my GP, who told me it could be two to three years before I got to see anyone in the Wales area. Two months later, they had retired, and I had a new GP, who was much more proactive. They contacted Charing Cross and referred me to local mental health services. That took two to three months. Then he referred me to Welsh specialised services that were meant to greenlight spending. After eight months we’d heard nothing and no referral had been received. So, we asked the Welsh service if they could send a copy of the letter to Charing Cross. They refused.
I went back to my GP and got him to print off a copy of the Welsh services letter. Luckily, he still had it on file. It was never clear what had happened, but it looks like the Welsh service had raised a letter, but never sent it. Incompetence? Transphobia? A bit of both, likely.
Charing Cross provided Rhiannon with a lifeline, but there were still more delays in her transition. The up-and-down nature of this support affected her mental health. However, during that time she found an escape in volunteering with charities. She now works for a trans-supportive charity and has found a career where she can be her authentic self.
For the most part, life is great. Family is very supportive. Dad sadly passed. But not a single negative reaction. I was afraid they would react badly. I guess they got over it when I told them the first time around. I have a great job. Great friends.
I’ve never been happier. The treatment fixed what it needed to fix and fixed it incredibly well. Before I started to transition, I felt jealous of every woman I saw walking down the street. That’s completely gone away.
The one fly in the ointment now is safety. I never doubted who I am. My “detransition” was never about doubt, so much as fear. Then, for a while, that went away. But since all the nastiness in politics and the media over the last few years, I’ve started to worry about safety in public.
I am afraid again.
You can get your copy of Transitions: The Unheard Stories now!
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