“I had it ingrained that life would end if I was not married to a man by 30”
BY GINA BEVAN, IMAGE BY GETTY
“Walking in that Pride parade, while those around me enjoyed themselves, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the crowds on either side – terrified that someone who knew my family would spot me.”
Sitting down with X (a pseudonym) it’s clear that the often-used “out and proud” slogan does not apply to all. X is a queer woman of Pakistani heritage who wishes to remain anonymous due to safety reasons and not being “out” to their family. They are, however, eager to share their story as one of many queer women who, while can’t be visible, do not want to be silenced.
As a young girl growing up in a small town in Wales, the first and only source of queerness was secretly watching Sugar Rush late at night. As the only Asian kid in school, coming from a conservative family, hiding parts of her identity became second nature: “I used to always douse myself in Lynx because I never wanted to smell of my mum’s authentic home cooking in school and at home I played the role of the dutiful daughter, A* student, pandering to my mum’s constant reminders of marriage.”
Being a master of a double life, had its toll: “For a long time, I lived like there was going to be no future, self-destructive and stalling on life milestones to savour youth. I had it ingrained that life would end if I was not married to a man by 30. I never imagined living beyond 30”.
Now in her early thirties, X is happily in a relationship, but her family still don’t know that she’s queer: “It still brings a lot of challenges. It’s complicated. I deeply love my family and I love my partner, but those two worlds I keep separate for my own peace and wellbeing.”
While writing this, the terrifying rise of right-wing Islamophobes is tearing apart a Britain that they are so-called “protecting”. X says “Again, it’s this feeling of not having a ‘safe space’. Never belonging. The rise of the racist and homophobic right-wing makes me feel doubly othered.”
They are, however, much more comfortable in their identity: “I’m finally at a place where I am proud of all parts of me, including my rich beautiful South Asian culture that I was so eager to hide when I was at school. I’ve made peace that now is not the right time to come out to my family, and there may never be a right time. What I do know is that I am a proud queer Asian woman, in my own way, maybe not the way that we are shown on Instagram or TV.”
X’s story highlights that the idea of being out and proud is not the reality for all, and there’s no one queer experience. Not being able to be “out” to everyone by no means disempowers but can simply be a way of navigating your own journey.
X finishes: “While it’s so heartwarming to read coming out stories from people that have a positive experience and supportive families, that’s not my story and I’m sure I’m not alone.”
She ends with some encouraging words to those who may be in a similar situation: “Know that there is hope that one day you will find peace with your own journey and know that what is right for you may not be the same for others.”
Listening to X, it’s an important reminder that the queer community remains aware of intersectional identities and that queer Asian voices are elevated.
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