Ahead of her new Fringe show, award-winning comedian and writer Dee Allum walks us through her vacation preparation
BY DEE ALLUM, IMAGE BY REBECCA NEED-MENEAR
Since I was a child, I wanted to visit every country in the world, and through family holidays I’d been able to tick off a good twenty or so, until coming out as transgender stopped me in my tracks.
As soon as I came out I realised there were whole swathes of the world that were suddenly off-limits. A lot of that I was alright with – I don’t think I was going to be heading to Turkmenistan any time soon – but also some very popular spots for Brits suddenly became quite challenging. Egypt, Morocco, and even Florida all have restrictions on trans rights which means it’s easiest to keep it a secret, but easier still to not go at all.
In the end, my partner and I chose an all-inclusive resort in Lanzarote, along with three other friends. The preponderance of elderly little Englanders effectively makes the Canary Islands an extension of the British Empire – a hot Great Yarmouth. And while these bronzed pensioners may not be entirely big on the whole trans thing, we reckoned they were unlikely to have the physical capacity to do too much about it.
Next was packing. It takes quite a lot of equipment to keep a trans woman sustained on holiday. First, there’s the hormones, which in my case come in gel form and so need to be scanned separately in the little clear plastic bags. A border force agent in Spain picked up the bottle quizzically, looking at me with my denim shorts and long hair. Then I told him in my baritone that it was oestrogen, and he was suddenly very keen to put it down.
I also brought with me some calisthenic tape, a pair of nail scissors, and some shapewear. You can probably guess what all those are for. I don’t think I ever appreciated just how much shaving your entire body sucks back when I was a man. Armpits, legs, chest and belly all needed doing before the holiday. I was already walking around with Sudocrem in every crevice before having to navigate the trickiest shaving task of all: the nether regions.
Tucking is a very delicate process. You have to be secure enough that nothing falls out, loose enough that you can move without snapping it all off, and ideally shaven enough that you can then remove any tape without taking skin with it. I know it’s not fun to read, but imagine having to do it every day of what is supposed to be the best week of your year.
I am happy to report that my first experience of it went well. I got the look I was after, and I was just about able to move around without attracting any suspicion from the red, leathery masses.
I was even able to go to one of Lanzarote’s finest restaurants, called the Good Ol’ Days (a 70s-themed restaurant with three episodes of Bagpuss playing on repeat – truly a cultural hub), with my swimsuit still intact under my outfit.
What nobody told me about tucking, though, likely because who needs to be told this, is that cheap tape and swimming pools do not mix. I hid it well though, and luckily the group I was travelling with were more than helpful in making the holiday a roaring success. I think I can officially say I have conquered Lanzarote.
Now just another 160 countries to go!
Dee Allum brings her debut show Deadname to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, performing at 4:30 pm at Pleasance Courtyard Below from 31 July to 25 Aug (excluding Tuesday 13th). Tickets here.
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