Intrusive thoughts flooded my brain like: “What if I break her vag with my fingers?”
BY OLIVIA LEVINE, IMAGE BY MINDY TUCKER
By the time I figured out I was gay, most others in my life had already made that determination, and understandably so. I was the goalkeeper on my varsity football team, captain of the basketball team and walked around saying things like, “The boys just aren’t sophisticated enough for me yet.”
So when I got to college and fell immediately and obsessively in love with the coolest senior girl on campus, nobody was surprised (except me)! Emphasis on obsessively – that year, I was also officially diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Folks with OCD experience recurring intrusive thoughts or images (obsessions), which cause them to engage in repetitive mental acts or behaviours (compulsions). A classic example of an obsession is, “What if I left the burner on and it kills my family?” The compulsion may be to check the stove. However, once you check, the intrusive thought often returns, so you check again, and a cycle commences.
There are several different subtypes of OCD. One subtype is Harm OCD, characterized by a fear of harming yourself or others. I’ve grappled with Harm OCD all my life. When I was eight, after watching the film Minority Report with Tom Cruise – a rather violent thriller – I approached my father: “Dad, I’m worried I may stab you in your sleep tonight, so I think I should stay with Mom.” He was a good sport and assured me I wouldn’t go through with it. Nonetheless, I spent the whole day terrorized by images of me killing my father.
My Harm OCD mostly faded by the time I reached adulthood. That is until I started having sex. People with OCD have a very low threshold for uncertainty (hence the compulsions, which provide the illusion of control/certainty). When I first started having sex, I was very uncertain! I had no clue what I was doing because nobody had taught me about queer sex! Intrusive thoughts flooded my brain like, “What if I break her vag with my fingers?” or “Did I properly ask for consent to touch her there?”
But here’s the wonderful thing about lesbian sex – THERE’S SO MUCH COMMUNICATION. I quickly learned that lesbians love to process things, especially in the sack! Up until then, I’d felt self-conscious about sharing my intrusive thoughts, but the queers made me feel so comfy talking things through! Eventually, I started to move out of my head and into my body; sex became fun! I’m not perfect – intrusive thoughts still sometimes emerge – but now I feel safe leaning into the uncertainty because the queers have my back! They’re the best, right?
Olivia Levine’s debut stand-up hour ‘Unstuck’ is at Just The Tonic – The Mash House Bottle Room @ 7.30 pm for tickets go towww.edfringe.com
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