Suzette Mullen discusses coming out later in life and owning your identity
BY SUZETTE MULLEN
I sat across the living room from my 81-year-old mother, knowing I had to utter words I thought I’d go to my grave with – or at least not voice before my mom went to hers.
I grew up in a straight world, with straight parents and straight friends, but unlike many in the LGBTQIA community, the people I did life with were “open-minded” and “inclusive”. As was I.
But I didn’t confront my feelings for my female best friend until I was in my mid-fifties and when I did, I still didn’t understand them. What was this really about? Could I be a lesbian if I hadn’t even kissed a woman? And if I was a lesbian, did I have to act on it? I was safely planted in a nice, comfortable life – a loving husband of thirty years, two thriving sons, financial security – all the things we’re told will make us happy.
The cost of leaving my life for a completely unknown future felt terribly high. For eighteen months, I wrestled, weighing the pros and cons. Slowly, I shared what was going on inside me with a few people. None of those conversations were easy. But the hardest person to come out to was my mother.
That evening in her living room, I told her about my feelings for my best friend and that I was considering leaving my marriage. She listened for a few minutes, then pursed her lips and shook her head.
“I wouldn’t have a problem with this,” she said. “If you were in your twenties or thirties, but …”
She didn’t have to finish her sentence. I had a good idea of what she left unsaid: I had a good life and I was too old to start over. I didn’t think her response was homophobic – I suspect she would have been just as upset if I’d told her I was leaving my marriage for another man.
But later I realised her response reflected a fundamental misunderstanding about sexual identity. That sexuality isn’t just about who you have sex with – it’s about who you are.
After living as a straight woman for 50-plus years, it took me a while to understand that too.
Seven years after that conversation, I’m living in freedom as a queer woman. Friends, despite what your mother might think, it’s never too late to say yes to your life. It’s never too late for a new beginning.
Suzette Mullen (she/her) is a memoir and nonfiction book coach, retreat leader, and the author of the new memoir The Only Way Through Is Out, published by the University of Wisconsin Press. Follow Suzette on Instagram @urstoryfinder and find out more about her memoir at yourstoryfinder.com/books.
Suzette will be going on our weekly Relationship Room live with Ali Hendry on Thursday 25 January at 8 pm to discuss queer storytelling.
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